Generally, the things going on in my head are good. Generally. The semester is nearly over which is terribly sad, and thinking about my new friends--my new family, really--leaving is something I'm just putting off until they actually do. And then it will be Sob Fest 2009, at least on my part. I'm so grateful for the people I've met here. I am perpetually in awe that any of them even want to hang out with me at all. What do I have to offer these incredible human beings? Why in the world would they pick me, voluntarily, to spend time with? I told someone this in a moment of ill-timed sentimentality and he made fun of me, which was upsetting.
We move into our apartment on Monday. I wish you all could see it. We were trying to name it and were debating between The Fox Den, The Hutch, and The Beaver Dam. We decided on The Beaver Dam.
I'm sad to leave my host family so early; I wish our landlady would have let us wait till we got back from Christmas break. When I told Rita that I was moving out early, I definitely got a little teared-up. I don't know if she noticed--in my mind, she totally didn't and I was totally cool about it--but it happened. She told me that I'd always have a family with them and if I ever needed anything, to come by.
How can I be friends with José and Daniel in real life? I swear to you, they're both far too cool to hang out with me. I mean, shit, José is gorgeous and climbs mountains all day, and Daniel is an artist and is hilarious and so cute. What do I, as a lame gringa, have to offer the two coolest people on the damn continent? I'm going to just have to pull an "Umm-can-we-just-please-be-friends-forever-please?" thing. I don't even know them that well, and yet I feel a huge surge of love for both of them whenever I see them. I want them to know that, but how do I confront two near-strangers about my affection for them, and in a foreign language no less!?: "José and Daniel, I have the lovings for you. Kissing, not in that manner, but more in the ways of brothers. Desire I do to stay friends for always. I loves you." Ugh, dorksville.
My main problem with my family this whole time is that I think I like them more than they like me. Usually I say it in jest, but it's always been true. Rita told me something like they have been hosting students for 17 years. I feel like I--as an exchange student--am just old news to them, whereas I adore them and am fascinated by everything they do and say. I don't want to be someone they just forget, like when Rosita tells me stories at lunch about such-and-such a gringa who did something funny but she was only here for a little while and we forgot her name. I don't want to be forgotten! It makes me horribly sad to even write that.
I'm really looking forward to visiting the States for a couple weeks. As excited as I am, I'm a little nervous too. Going back to Royal Oak after being at Michigan State is fun for like a minute and then I suffocate. Going back to Royal Oak, Michigan, United States of America after living on Calle Rusia, Sector Carolina, Quito, Pichincha, Ecuador is going to be trip. I hope I make it. Any anxiety I have about going home is totally eclipsed by my excitement to see my family, friends, and kittens.
Songs I've been listening to lately are:
"Love of an Orchestra" by Noah and the Whale (thanks ARW)
"Stars of Leo" by M. Ward
"Brothersport" by Animal Collective
"Dark Center of the Universe" by Modest Mouse
"Rock Lobster" by the B-52s
Mostly very happy things.
I have some tiny solemn caterpillars that mosey through my brain every once in a while--about boys and self-esteem, mostly, though I suppose the two subjects are inseparable--though not so much recently because all the schoolwork that I've been doing lately acts as welcome distraction from my solitary pity-party.
But everything will work out. It always does and it always will. That's one of the most valuable lessons I've learned so far. Everything will be okay, so just relax. It always works out.
I have a final presentation due in 9 hours, so I should probably get to sleepyland.
Goodnight,
Gina.
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